Mixed Emotions

I have tried hard over the last nine months to come to terms with the reality that I had a c-section and most days I do okay. But today was not one of those days. Today I remembered the disappointment, the helplessness I felt, and the anger... lots of anger. I have tormented myself over and over again with "what ifs." I have felt like a bad mom. I have felt like a failure. I have felt like I was cheated. Today I felt all of those things again for the hundredth time...

...But then tonight I snuggled with my little girl. And I looked in those big brown eyes as she said ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.... And we played and tickled and laughed together. And all I could feel was gratitude. I could not love this sweet little girl more. I am so thankful that Father in Heaven sent her to our family and I would go through everything I went through on her birthday.. and more... if in the end I still got to be her mom. I love you sweet baby.